perfect days do exist

and they come with loud blarring turbine engines
gusty winds
sweet smelling nitrogen fuel
high speed drives
sexy cars
delectable food
and glorious company.

last night i made a wish on a shooting star
beautiful.

as children we all viewed the wold as a glorious beautiful place flooded with sunshine, adorned by rainbows and pink fluffy clouds and littered with countless flowers in a myraid of colours. we loved the world and it loved us. or at least we thought it did. as we gow older and our glasses slowly loose their cherry tint, we come to realise that the bales of cotten in the skies are actually shades of dark threatening grey. the flowers have withered and the pavements are drenched with the rain.

sunshine rarely seems to last for very long in my world and some how i always seem to find myself thrown back into the shadows just as i begin to get used to the warm glow on my skin.

life's too short to waste waiting for something to happen. i need to create my own chances and make something out of myself.

its like walking precariously along the middle of the roads as the cars simply whisk by. some blarring their horns, others swerving or slowing down but yet i am simply just oblivious to it all as i continue perched along that white dotted line and everything from school to lectures to people just simply just pass me by.

for Lijie:

i NEED to go too but
i dont know how gym fits into the blardie equation.
i have fridays off but until i stop working...my fridays are burnt there.
are we still meeting this weekend?

the clock is ticking
and the hands are spinning at an alarming pace dragging me along behind them
my feet leaving tracks in the sand

i had earlier resolved to attend all my classes and lectures
but i am faliling miserably.
even when i do go for class
my eyelids simply droop and my mind wanders galaxies away
i desperately need to get my act together.

sometimes a kiss can be lethal.
when fighting fish fight they engage in this vicious lip lock to see who can hold out for the longest.
its such a pretty sight though

finally got down to letting our fishes fight today
see four grown humans crowding around this tiny tank
screaming and shrieking and cheering on two tiny creatures bent of tearing each other's fins out
quite a sadistic form of entertainment but what the hell.

i guess we always want more.
nothing can be too much for the insatiable appitite that we have.
i believe though that i need to learn to settle.
to come to terms with all that i have been given
to count my blessings and appreciate all the gifts i have
and stop hankering after the impossible and all that i know that i cannot have.

i asked for one night
and i have been given three.
that in itself is already more than enough to be grateful for.
all the smiles and the laughter
is icing atop the cake
an indulgence i dont deserve.

i am truely disgusted with myself for the way that i have been behaving
and i gasp at how shallow i have been.
i've done much worse than you have
and i truely have no right to be upset.

none.

its the simple things in life that matter
throw me a mahjong set
two of the favourite males in my life
and the sweetest and most affectionate husky i have ever met
and there i have the perfect afternoon.
albeit it came at the rather expensive opportunity cost of having to skip lecture and tutorial the amount of laughs i had today were priceless.
makes me long though
for one of my own
to share my bed with
and to hug and hold

i've changed my ducks in a row.
moving out before having a car.
simply because, i wanna keep a dog.

someone has made a tiny hole in the locked door
and he's reaching out his hand to me
the light is blinding and sharp to my eyes
my hearts racing like a bullet train
and each breath i take pierces my lungs
as if there's a strong pair of hands pressed down on my chest
i close by eyes
but i can still feel the warmth from the sunlight creeping in
gently shrouding me
my minds a whirl
and in my head the room is spinning
as a thousand images flash pefore my eyes
pictures on a screen from the whirring slide projector

i hear his voice calling out to me
but i dont know if i have the strength to get up and walk towards the sound
towards the light.
i dont know if i have the courage to walk away.
from all that i have ever known
from the darkness that i have surrenderred myself to.

its too soon for the dream to be over
too early to wake up.

please dont let it end.
not now
not like this

happy birthday dearie i love you.

its the sweetest dream yet
all the moments collected together like a school of vibrantly coloured fish
catching the light and illuminating the entire seabed
i'm dazzled by the sight, intoxicated by the beauty of the moment and everything else seems to just fade away and disappear into the distance

but i know,
the price to pay will be dear.

anyhow, praying for good weather tomorrow so that the party will go well.
i hope it all goes well.

school tomorrow.
not really feeling much about it only that i am dreading the long journey that i have to make to get to freaking boon lay.
am currently still only registered for two classes so really havent the faintest idea how this semester is going to turn out.
i guess after all the upheaval that has been taking place these past few weeks
school appears a welcomed recluse
work and study should be a good distraction to keep my ever wandering mind occupied.

i'm still grappling with how fast things can change around me
and i am panting trying to keep up with the fast paced movement and the whole fluster of acctivity that is simply just spinning me round and round before spitting me out on the round in a helpless heap, spent and wasted while it simply turns and moves on leaving me behind.

well for all that its worth
happy new year's didnt last very long
but am still grateful for what little i had...have
its not much and i wish i wouldnt simply hold on to that faint glimmer of hope
but however weak the light is
its the brightest light that crys out in the darkness.

i do resolve though, to be a stronger and better person
to let my mind overwrite the impulses of my weak and soft heart
and to guard it
for all that i am worth.

this is how i spent NYE.
beautifying my desktop (:

(i have decided that the first post of the new year should be frivillious.
more when i am better rested)